Should I stay or should I go?

Everybody has flaws and strengths, and I consider myself one of those people who are quite aware of them. As I am introverted and spend a lot of time “inside my head”, alway examining the workings of my own mind, as well as trying to understand others, I know that I am introspective enough to be brutally honest with myself. I know that I am kind, loyal and smart, some of my better qualities (not to toot my own horn or anything), but one of my less profitable qualities, is that I am very little ambitious. In fact, I would almost go as far as to say that I have none. I’m a dreamer and a drifter. It doesn’t mean that I’m not hard-working or that I don’t have dreams or things that I would like to accomplish, but I have no drive.

Now I suppose it could have been worse. It’s not really a quality that harms anyone other than myself, and it’s not really a quality that’s demeaning in any way, at least I don’t consider it as such. It just means that I’m not very good at sports, at all, because there is not a competitive bone in my body. It also means that when I face challenges, or things get difficult, I tend to choose the easier option or to give up altogether, rather than fight my way through it with claw and nails. Not necessarily because I am lazy, although I think many would mistake it for that, but simply because I lack the motivation. I just doesn’t matter that much to me. I have no drive to get things done, like I said.

I am also one of those people who makes more often than not makes decisions based on intuition and gut feeling, rather than using common sense and practicality. I have a very good intuition, it very rarely leads me astray or lead me to make a decision that I regret. But sometimes intuition can be clouded by other things that could potentially lead to bad decisions or regrets, such as boredom, fear or insecurity. I am trying to change that now, however.

Everybody kept asking me before I left what I was going to do in England, where I was going to live, what was my purpose or plan, and every time I just sort of shrugged and said “I don’t know”. I didn’t have a plan, I still don’t. I had ideas and dreams, of course. But nothing set in stone. I just went. And hoped for the best. I’m not very much of a planner either, I like to keep my options open. See where things go. Go with my gut feeling and whatever feels right at the time.

So now I am faced with a dilemma, or a challenge if you like. I need to find out what I want to do. I have found a place to stay in London, you see. It’s a very good deal. I will get to live in central London, in a very nice neighbourhood, basically for free. In exchange for accommodation, I only have to help the old man I live with do some basic house chores, nothing too time-consuming or taxing. It’s a great deal actually. And I can study or work on the side. I could take a job, of course, and because I have no real expenses, I could live rather well on the unimpressive wages in The UK. Or I could study, which is the smartest option to be sure, but here is where I face challenges.

The only way I would be granted financial support from Norway and Lånekassen, is by starting a degree. It’s not possible to do a year of study, as you can in Norway. Which is fair enough, I suppose. And why not do a Bachelor’s Degree? The only problem is that I don’t necessarily fill the entry requirements to study in The UK, as I am international, and in order to be accepted anywhere, I would have to do a Foundation Year first, which is not funded by Lånekassen. And when I found this out, I immediately started thinking how much easier it would be to just go back home, where it’s easy, and I can study what I want with support, I can move to a nice apartment and live with other students, rather than living with an old man with a curfew, and I would even have my friends there.

Sounds tempting, right? Safe and sound, fun and familiar.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like the place I am staying at, I really like it. And they are truly lovely, both the man I live with, and his daughter who lives there on and off. But it’s always awkward moving into someone else’s home, you never really feel quite comfortable. I’ve done it before, as an exchange student. And you can imagine it yourself, I’m sure, being a permanent guest in someone else’s house. When heightened by my insecurities, it’s very tempting indeed to go home, or even to pay the huge expenses that comes with living in a flat in London.

So this is where I really have to keep myself in check and tell myself to pull it together. I can’t give up now, I haven’t even tried! At times like these I really wish I had some ambitions and a little bit more guts. I don’t want to be a quitter, and I know I would always regret it if I went home now, without having really tried. So I am going to stay. I am going to try. Try to find someway to get accepted to school. Try to get comfortable in a home that’s not mine. Try to not let my insecurities get the better of me, as they so often do (damn them), and hope that in the end everything will sort itself out and end well.

On a more positive note though! I may have found the love of my life

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No but seriously, wish me luck!

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